About a week before our wedding, my now husband let me know that we were writing our own wedding vows (he just assumed I should know this because I know him, and in hindsight, yes I guess I should have). I immediately felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt overwhelmed, frankly, panicky. A knot formed in my stomach. And he didn’t understand why I was on the verge of a panic attack, but I was. I immediately locked myself in my office and set to complete the task at hand.
After a short time passed, he came to ask me how things were going. They weren’t. I had nothing and I told him that. His response, “I can’t believe you don’t have anything nice to say about me. It shouldn’t be that hard.” No, it wasn’t that, and no it shouldn’t be.
It was that I felt so much pressure to say the EXACT right words. Nothing but perfection would do for something like this. So, I froze. I’m normally someone who has every task checked off well in advance, so this last minute curveball was added pressure I wasn’t prepared for….therefore, my nerves took control.
I’m sure you’ve seen it more than once….the scene in a movie where the groom sits down to write his vows the night before, and freezes with nothing to say. That was me. So what does one do when they’re totally clueless? Reseach.
Do you know how many articles are written about writing your own vows? LOTS. Do you know how many are helpful? NONE. Or at least I couldn’t find them. Nobody had the perfect words already written for me. I was kind of wishing they did. I certainly did enough searches that I thought someone would have the answer. No love quote perfectly summed up what I wanted to say; no song or poem either. But, I had taken several writing courses in college, so I started with what my teacher recommended for writer’s block….free writing.
I wrote down memories, moments that I associate with Reno, characteristics he has that made me fall in love with him - I just wrote to get pen on paper. It felt kind of good to get something down, and I began to feel less stuck.
Ideas began to form; words finally began to flow. In the end, I settled on a simple format that when broken down, went something like this:
Start with a specific moment in time and tell a story. For me, it was the very beginning (after all, it was the 7th anniversary of when we met on the day we got married, it seemed pretty obvious to start there). But maybe for you, it is when you first knew you were in love, the day of your proposal, a favorite memory together, your first impression….if in doubt, free write until the perfect moment stands out, or use these prompts to get started. People love to listen to stories. So just start with a crowd pleaser.
I knew I was in love when ____________________.
When we met at ________________, I felt ________________________.
When you/I proposed, I ___________________________________.
Connect that moment to traits you admire. It turns out, I did have a lot of nice things to say about Reno, even though he was in doubt.
I admire that you _________________________.
Your ____________________ has made me ________________________.
We share ____________________________.
Together we __________________________.
You are _______________.
Make a promise. These are vows after all, so a promise is pretty important.
You make me want to ______________________________.
Marriage is ________________________________.
Because of you, now I ________________________________.
I imagine our future life together ______________________________________.
I know that when things get tough, you and I ________________________.
Before I met you, I ________________. Now I _________________________.
I promise to always ______________________.
Close with a loving last line.
Quotes, favorite phrases….bring it all together with something that summarizes your relationship.
My love for you is _______________________.
I look forward to _________________________.
Tip: Consider whether what you have to say is best said in your vows, a personal letter, or a speech. Something you put in the scrap pile, may be good to include in something else. And likewise, something you plan on including, may not be appropriate for sharing to the world. Your vows should be personal. Avoid sounding perfect and rehearsed, and please, I beg you, when you say your vows, LOOK AT YOUR SPOUSE. I photograph so many weddings where the bride or groom never looks up, or says their vows to the officiant. Don’t be that person.
And when all else fails, and you’re still stuck, mad lib it out!
